I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
