Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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