I'm so fucking centered right now
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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