I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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