i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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