Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
