Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
