I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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