I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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