Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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