she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my phone needs a breathalizer
Need sex. Gaining weight.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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