I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
