I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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