My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
