mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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