I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
