so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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