this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
