I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's blow job season.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize