At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
