pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
