I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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