they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
