Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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