We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
