I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
"it" just moved
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
