Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
