he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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