I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize