Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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