Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
