It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
