you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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