Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
