i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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