So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize