Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
