I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
