Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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