That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
