he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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