My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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