I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
