12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
