its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
