turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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