I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
