I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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