Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
They took my balls.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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