Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
