I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
