Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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