i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He shit in the fireplace
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
