my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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