so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
