the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
