based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
pop tarts are not kleenex
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
