last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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