smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
