oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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