Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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