I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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