rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
