I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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