And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
