I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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