i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
